Six months ago my wife died. Half a year has passed but it feels like two years since I last saw Jess.
I’m not sure yet why i’m building this blog, perhaps the therapy of reflection (and then posting to social media for the world to see?) is required at this moment in my journey. Perhaps it is to give thanks publicly to those who have been a part of the last 19 months journey, to express my gratitude for those random acts of kindness, meals, laughs etc.
I dream of Jess sometimes. Sometimes they feel like conversations, and I wake up feeling light, and peaceful. Sometimes they are straight up nightmares, stuff that happened in the last few months of her life that I don’t like to think about. I put that stuff in a box and try deal with in small bite size chunks… but every now and that stuff climbs out on its own and sneaks up on me in the night.
I have made a conscious decision every day to move forward, much of my ability and strength to do this is thanks to the conversations I had with Jess about moving on before she died. But it is a decision I make every morning. I strongly believe that in this day in age people don’t take full responsibility for the power they have in life, the power of choice and the ability to make your life a life worth living regardless of your past. I’m not saying it’s easy, but everyone is capable of moving forward, if they choose not to live in the past. I truly believe it is a choice. I arrive at that fork in the road every morning.
I am moving on with the unique and somewhat terrifyingly clear perspective of quickly life comes and goes. You have heard it all before, and the words don’t mean much until they coming from an experience that makes them real. The temporary nature of our existence on the planet is not something we like to think about, and from what I have seen, we largely live our daily lives in denial that it will end. But it does end, and you are gone. and the world moves on. So as an obvious knee-jerk to this new found perspective, I cannot sit still for very long. Every second has a new share price, and they are expensive! I’m doing my absolute best to build some life long memories for my kids, with our new little threesome family. Despite their loss, I want them to understand the gift that they have and that it will not last forever.
We are living well. We are choosing to have fun, and that’s all there is to it really? There is so much out there to experience, to enjoy. So many good people to make you laugh. I think friendships are at the core of our happiness. I treasure the times I get with my friends and the genuine smiles they put on my face. I also found someone who is brave enough to hold my hand, and makes me laugh. I’m so thankful for her. Then there is surfing, and the ocean, and the incredible force that is in my life. Floating around in the sea helps me reflect, it helps me be grateful and present in the moment.
So that’s my first official blog post, and it largely sums up what this outlet will be for me… a place to reflect, document my search for new perspective. Perspective, i think, is the solution to much of life’s curve balls, its not making the problem go away, it having the ability to see it from multiple angles, and find away through it. I’m fascinated by it, and how it literally shapes our reality. So this is a place to record my findings!
So here’s the first absolute truth i have learnt as a single parent…
No matter how much peace there is in your house, or how nicely kids are playing, the minute you sit down on the toilet, or climb into the shower, all hell WILL break loose. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.