About Time … and Money.


Hi. Howzit!

Been thinking really hard lately on the whole issue of time, not only spending it in as valuable a way as possible, or finding that balance, but how to get more of it!

I have this thing, where I monitor myself, my life from an external perspective, I talk a lot about perspective, I think cause as someone who has strong beliefs or views on things, it’s fascinating to me that there is more than a single truth to a simple fact. The reason I keep looking at my life from alternate perspective is probably Jess. I always want to make sure my decisions would be in-line with how she wanted our kids to be raised. So that’s how I keep myself in check. And I know when I can do a better job, I feel it, I see it through her eyes. Then I make an effort to correct myself and do a better job.

Last year was a lot of me, figuring out who I was and what I wanted life to be, this year has been much more about the others in my life. I find the thing that makes me feel the best is a weekend well spent with the kids and Kimmy. Needless to say all my projects and selfish goals have taken a bit of a back seat!  Combine that with the worst winter of surf in KZN history, surfing has all but gone out the window! Lately I’ve resorted to forcing myself to surf when I get a chance regardless of the conditions, hell even a swim in the sea has done the trick, it still amazes me what a big part the ocean plays in keeping me on an even keel. It’s some kind of magic.

But that whole time thing, the value of it, it’s a big deal for me, and I have been looking at the ways I can really make it mine. I’m not a very structured person, I’m not sure a daily planner with all my desires scheduled in to an allocated time slot would work, I need to feel like the time is right and then get stuck in (partly why writing has been hard lately). But it my realization is this: It comes down to money. They say money can’t buy happiness, in many cases I believe that, but money can buy you time, and with freedom of time, it’s far easier to find happiness. Time is our most valuable commodity, you can never get back that minute that just passed, nor can you put a price on an open calendar, with the money to do what you want.

Surplus cash and an empty calendar. Now that’s a very far-fetched dream for most people in their 30’s , 40’s or even 50’s. But that’s something I’m trying to hack into, I’m studying the best ways to build a passive income, whether its building a business to make millions and retire, or re-evaluate your needs to suit a more modest living, supported with some form of passive income.

There is no doubt some of the luxuries of the modern world make life easier and more enjoyable to live, but at the cost of what? Whats your balance, what are you prepared to sacrifice to reclaim time?  What if you don’t have to sacrifice? That’s what I’m interested in, I want both, I want the cash freedom combined with time freedom. I’m not talking extreme stuff like living in a hut on a deserted island (that would be great for the first week) I’m talking about ways of building an income to compliment my salary, take the pressure off, give myself a little independence to know everything I do is a choice, not for pure survival. There is a big difference in morale across those two mindsets, even if the job is the same.

So over the next few months I’m going to post some stuff about this whole journey, some of the clever little life hacks there are to get control of your ship, without radically sacrificing anything. I’m going to stick to the stuff I have actually tried and tested. Maybe I find something that actually works. I’ll be the guinea pig. Feel free to share anything you are interested in or anything that’s worked for you.

I think humans got it wrong somewhere along the line, when profit became more important than life, individual success put ahead of collaboration and the betterment of life for everyone, the world we live in now is broken on so many levels but I think there is a growing consciousness of this. I’ve always been an optimist, and in honour of that I have revived an old favorite of mine, basically a curated selection of the coolest stuff happening around the world, stuff that gives me hope in the future. It’s better than watching Carte Blanche, or reading the newspaper, I promise. You can check it out here.

Speaking of hope, Jess’s mom Debbie has been busy over the last year helping a local charity in Shakas Rock (Ballito)

Jess was very passionate about serving the under privileged and in that honour, Debbie is doing some great stuff with Ithemba Labasha Community Centre. The English translation of Ithemba Labasha is “Hope For Our Children”

They get very little support from the community and no government funding at all, that’s part of the reason Debbie decided to get involved.

The community Centre runs a full day care for 45 toddlers who get fed breakfast and lunch daily. In the afternoons after school, a further 100 children come to the Centre for a hot cooked meal daily, Monday to Friday. In total 145 children are fed daily!


They need funding. Supplying good nutritious food is high on the priority list! There are also basic costs to be covered like electricity, water, gas, security, maintenance etc. With an monthly donation target of R20,000.00 they will be able to massively improve the quality of these kids lives. Funds are strictly controlled.

They have developed a supporting committee to the existing NPO committee, consisting of an auditor, some business people and people just passionate about making a difference. There are some great plans in the works to create and sustain some real change in these kids lives, all the way through to being released into the adult life.

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Ithemba Labasha has an NPO number and they are in the process of applying for Section 18A status (Section 18A status, donors can get Tax relief for their donations).

Besides cash, all other donations such as old clothing (children and adults) shoes, blankets, curtains, household goods, kitchenware, toys etc are all very welcome. You can contact Debbie at debbiej2@telkomsa.net

If you are feeling the love, Ithemba Labasha’s bank details are…

Ithemba Labasha Centre.

Ned Bank Acc No: 1098605667

Code No:131026

So that’s all I got for this peaceful Saturday morning. My kids are behaving like little adult humans today which is so cool. They’re sitting here around me playing with puzzles and Spiderman, we’re clicking today. Whilst setting myself up to write this morning I discovered an old album on iTunes this morning, Live: Throwing Copper. Think its been 14 or 15 years since I saw them play in Durban. That was a fat jol. Time flies.

I’ll leave you with a quote I saw on instagram last night that I thought was pretty cool:

“Your future self is watching you right now through memories…”

What do you want those memories to? Better get to it…


Dear Anna, Dear Joel. Part 1


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Hi you rubbishes!

Well this is an experiment and I hope I can keep it going. I’ll keep adding to this as much as i can, every time you do something worth remembering, or just gathering material for black mail in the future…at the very least there will be some good stories for your 21st birthdays. Here’s a snapshot of the nonsense you two have been up too this year so far :

Sleep: you guys go down every night with minimal drama, slap on a playlist and 2 songs in each of your beds does the trick, i actually feel bad, it is kinda hypnotic, you don’t stand a chance, most times you are both twitching by the end of the first spiderman song…

But during the night…

The war continues! Anna sleeps all night, anywhere, anyhow! Joel not so much, you actually advised me last week that if I were to leave the wooden spoon next to your bed, you would definitely spend the whole night in bed. When I asked why the wooden spoon you answered “because mom used to use it and it’s much harder than a smack” thank you, point taken, I’ll be sure to use that in that future.

Eating: we negotiate dinner every night, the roles have flipped and Joel you kinda eat like a horse, Anna requires motivation and threats, perhaps wooden spoon can work its magic here too

Bathing: Both your favorite lately is family bath, when the three of us try to squeeze in, Anna combs my hair with the foot scrubber (charming) and Joel you hold your breath and squirt water from your mouth despite having just watched Anna “wee like a boy” into our little swamp of heaven.

Holidays have been a blast for you guys, the week we spent in Seal point gave you all kinds of confidence and independence which terrified the daylights out of me, but you are better off for it no doubt, you bonded with your cousin Mila for the first time, PoPo took you running in the sand dunes every day and your granny faraway looked after you for entire week doing arts and crafts so i could catch my breath. Your granny (Bal)Lito has been a star at keeping you entertained since you both got home, play dates, cousins, movies you name it! Truth be told I never had relationships with either of my grandparents like the ones you have with both sets. Very lucky kids. You better repay all the love when they’re old and rotten, visit them lots and spoil them.

Anna, you insist on your tea bottle every morning at 5 am whilst snuggling into my chest and watching Frozen for the millionth time. I love it too. Even if my eyes are burning and I’m in a foul mood from lack of sleep.

Joel you are part human part Dinosaur, perhaps more dinosaur with hints of human, you run around our house making that god awful noise , with your little arms tucked up like a T-Rex or Spineosaurus or Indominosaurus… I don’t know, you change your favourite meat eater every week… If Indy the cat bites you, and he does so regularly, it’s because he is so confused and terrified of what we bought home 6 years ago and what it has transformed into.

Your interest in the opposite sex is alarming… how would Yoda say… The force is strong with this one…. Kimmy has endless patience with your attempts to “by mistake” bust into the bathroom and see her naked. Nevertheless she endures and you continue to sneak. Definitely an appreciation of the female breasts in your future.

Both your favorite things are dancing in the lounge with the music full blast, tickles and rough play on the bed, which you try and lure me into every morning and every night. Joel … Endless hours of youtube videos dinosaurs, dinosaurs, dinosaurs… Anna you are not obsessed with anything specific, you dabble with a bit of Barbie, a bit of dress up, although you loving helping, no matter what it is, packing the dishwasher, cooking, juicing the veg. You guys have such good mates in our complex and not a day goes by where the gang is not up to something. Cian, Nathan, Troy, Noah Shaun, Noah, Riley, Rider, Ripp, Willow.

You guys drive me nuts and I still can’t be away from you for more than a few minutes without having a physical pain in my chest. Honored and excited that it’s my job to raise you for the next 20 years. Here are some pics and videos as evidence.












Where Does The Time Go?



So I’ve been really useless at keeping the blog flowing. It’s been six months since my last post.

I’ve been busy! I swear!

I’ve been writing a bit I guess, but nothing here which is supposed to be a legacy of thoughts for my kids one day, so this is me telling myself to shine up, and promising to be more regular.

I may have been quiet but I have not been idle! I penned two stories for our local surf mag Zigzag, one about Casey Grant which i also posted here, and I just wrote another one about that insane swell we had, the one that turned St Francis bay into a Mexican point break. The mag only comes out in a few weeks, so I’ll put it up after.

So much going on besides work and raising two toddlers, here is a quick debrief…I’ll try do it in one breath:

Deep inhale…Ace Ventura style:

In December I had an awesome holiday in Seals, the waves cooked and I surfed a bunch then it stopped so I had to sit still and which was very hard cause the last time I was there was with Jess so I had to deal with some stuff, had some tears, and had one very large night with my little brother Josh which I cannot remember the end of, but when I woke up I was best friends with Derrick Watts from Carte Blanche, which was cool but I was missing a beautiful girl called Kim who I was falling head over heels for so I flew home for New Years and we partied with her family and friends and a rhino and drank till the sun came up, it was the best new years I have had in years and I smiled a lot then I went back to work and surfed when I could which wasn’t much but then found a gap to go to Mozambique for a weekend which was amazing and the waves were amazing which my new girlfriend who had never dated a surfer didn’t think was so amazing but we had a jol and drank beer and watched the sun go down over a beautiful lake with some friends, and laughed, and then I surfed again the next day, which inspired me to enter the RVCA Jbay Open trials, which was a long shot, but all you rad people voted me in so I got chance to go up against the top guys in the country and I lost early and my legs were too tired to walk up the beach but had such a blast and then went back down to Cape St Francis to see meet my niece Mila and my brothers and sister and cousins and parents and it was very cool…..

Dramatic exhale.

All in all good stuff! Fun stuff!! Kids are doing great and we have been busy! My hair grew long and i got a fuzzy beard. My friends hate it and say i look like a Neanderthal, or blonde Jesus, then I tie it up in a bun and they get really mad, but that’s okay cause I’ve always wanted to grow my hair long and look like a hippy. I am amazed at the energy and passion I have for learning and hunting down new projects. I thought much of it was a knee jerk reaction to losing Jess, a sort of a way of distracting myself, but it seems to be a new way of life for me and I’m very grateful for that. I’ve got some big ideas floating around in my head and I’m hoping I can turn them into reality.

So as I keep mentioning (probably because I’m embarrassed to think people actually read this) this blog is a place where my kids can come back and read everything that was going through my head in their early years, and as they grew up, it might help them understand the decisions I made that might seem crazy years later (hey guys, pack your bags we are movin to indo!!) but it struck me recently whilst watching some incredibly old footage I found in my garage, that it’s a great place to tell them about themselves too. Where else am I going to keep all these funny as hell little movie clips, stories they tell, and other awesome little things they get up too. So I’m setting a reminder (part of my new weeks resolutions), every 3 months, I’m going to write them both a post, documenting the nonsense they have been getting up too, sometimes it might be stories, sometimes just pics or videos. It may seem trivial or stupid at the time, but looking back in twenty years its going to fill me with kinds of fuzzy warm stuff… after watching the stuff I found, I realized how fast it all goes. if I’m lucky enough to live that far, I may as well be smart enough to make it count.


Speaking of making it count, I recently won a battle I have been waging unconsciously for 16 years! The DSTV disease!

The single biggest waste of time in my life since I moved into my first apartment, watching reruns over and over and over and unable to pull myself away. I finally disconnected DSTV for good, partly cause I can’t afford it, but mostly because it’s a load of repeating crap! I almost never saw anything new and constantly got sucked into movies I knew exactly how they were going to end.


Anyhow, I upgraded my internet to an uncapped line (half the price of DSTV) and created a YouTube account, now I follow a bunch of my favourite channels YouTube accounts and every day I have fresh content that is relevant to me. I watch through my Apple TV and its crisp HD. Discovery, Nat Geo, Science channels, Vice TV (so good) WSL (surf stuff) all my favorite companies, brands magazines have YouTube channels with cool content, TED talks, come on!!! the smartest people in the world talking about their passion, craft, science whatever, in 20 min digestible chunks, for free! Every day! I cant get enough of it!

I find myself watching much more interesting and relevant subjects, less nonsense that I could actually careless about. If movies and series are you thing, streaming sites like PopcornTime (naughty but free) and Netflix will take care of your needs. Time is valuable, if I’m going to watch something it better be fresh!

All this free time on my hands and suddenly my brain starts working again! I started searching for stuff that really makes me tick, and stumbled onto this little gem.

Wait but Why.

You are bound to have come across this blog already, the guy is practically famous now….  its hard, there is so much content in your face every day, what is actually worth the time it takes to click… regardless, this is another opportunity to get involved… if you want to have some very relevant and complex issues explained in a way that makes you feel that you actually understand… this is for you.

My poor friends and family, I have bent their little ears off with all of this, the only person who has shown equal amount of interest, is my little boet, Josh, which is awesome when we finally get time to talk, then we can bend the shit out of each others ears. W.B.W is my current school for thought, it’s the site that has given my brain the best work out its had in years, hell, maybe ever! I have simply not come across anybody who can break down extremely complex and important subjects in a manner that makes them so easy and fun to digest.

Here are some of my favourite posts…

Elon Musk. This guy…. wow, ever want to feel insignificant in your achievements, just check out this chap… current projects… changing auto industry from petrol to electric, re-invent energy consumption on a global scale and remove humans need for fossil fuel, oh and colonize Mars…. all of which he is progressing fairly nicely with… and he is from South Africa too. You can read it here

A.I ….did you know that there is some crazy stuff happening in this world right now, really really smart people are building really smart things. It’s all very exciting if you ask me, and nobody sums the very complex subject up quite like Tim Urban. If you not interested to read any further , consider for the following for a second … there is a reasonable to fair chance that in that the next 20 years they will develop technology so advance that you will become immortal… it’s quite likely actually. Blow your mind here

His one post is about life weeks, and he offers you a new perspective by visually breaking down your life into weeks on a graph…. this is what it looks like….

weeks of my life

0 years to 90 years, each square is a week

Not THAT many weeks are there… are there….

You can read the post here, but the summary of what he is getting at is the value of every week, if you are lucky enough to live a full life… look at those squares… there not that many of them! So he suggests adopting a new weeks resolution, instead of a new years resolution… I’m sold!

If you are not sold and you think what a load of crap, I’m just going to wing it… maybe you want to have a good laugh instead… read this one, on procrastination. I cried, I really did, so funny, that monkey runs my life.

I’m still really into this whole teaching my kids valuable life lessons around their school hours and stuff, and welcome any links, ideas, info you might be keeping to yourself so your kid becomes clever and mine doesn’t… I always love the few weeks after I post a new blog and the people who reach out with info, suggesting things I might like and stuff to check out, its my favourite part of all of this. Please send any forward thinking progressive online teaching stuff you may have come across!

So that’s all the good happy stuff, not much room allowed for the rest. I’m sure those of you who have followed our story are wondering how I’m seeing somebody already, and how I’m starting a new relationship whilst still dealing with the loss of Jess. I’ll be honest, because really what else is there to be, this is me, there is no point in softening things up for anyone.

The truth is I don’t know, they are completely different paths yet inexplicably intertwined, the one has nothing to do with the other , yet they couldn’t exist without each other. Losing Jess was an experience that has changed me as a person, the world has a harder edge than what I would have believed before,  less romantic than it all looked a few years ago for sure. I’m still an idealist, even though I carry a wound that reminds at times to be a realist, the idealist still wins. It’s a choice.

There is a song that goes, “it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love is indifference“.

I embrace my pain for Jess because to understand the great heights of true love, you must experience the pain of loss, you’ll never know you’re at the top until you’ve touched the bottom, that old chestnut. That pain only cements the value of what we had. I feel the same today as I did the day she died, it will never change. I will never get over it. That’s not how it works. But I will never live in the middle , indifferent to love because I am afraid of losing someone again.

I have so much love still to give, and lucky me I found an incredible person to give it too. Not even she will ever understand the role she has played in getting the three of us back on our feet. Nothing is forever so grab it while you can and hold on tight until it is ripped away.

So here’s to love! and making the most of life! and cancelling DSTV!

Peace and love from your hippie friend Simon.


Time To Explore




This picture is a good snap shot of my happy place, living where the land meets the sea, I find so much peace in the ocean, but mostly it reminds me that the world is a mystical place.  It also reminds me that I need balance. I took this picture on Thursday evening last week, its been a busy couple weeks at work and the end of the year is fast approaching. Kim and i sat quietly on the beach listening to the sea and breathing fresh ocean air, it was a good time to reflect on things, be appreciative for what i have. it got me thinking about the pace of life and how we go through it with comfort blinkers on.

We all cling to things that comfort us, things that we can bury our faces into when the world scares us…. for some of us its religion, for others its material objects to distract and play with, maybe its a person, who makes you feel safe, or the ocean . Some of us fill our lives up with so much drama and gossip that we never need to stand still, quiet our mind and stare out into the night wondering why all of this … is.

I have made a conscious decision to explore myself, my mind, what makes me tick and what the hell are we doing here.

What I have started unravelling is fascinating. I have so much to say, so much running through my head I can’t write fast enough to get it all out. Like water falling from a huge waterfall landing on my head, every drop is a new thought, idea, energy pounding through me, its relentless and intense. It’s the most exciting feeling to have this unlocked this part of myself. I feel like im an explorer who has landed on a new mystical shore in another galaxy and anything is possible.

So I’m searching, looking at myself from so many angles, my life, the world, the universe, whats is really happening right now and I’m fascinated by us, and the bizarre and complex life form we have become.

Death has brought this curiosity to me, and the first anomaly that I have come across is my life… have you ever wondered where you were before this? the observable universe (what we are able to see so far) is 13 billion years old …well that’s as far as we can tell for now…. that is a long time…. if you had to scale that period of time into one year, the human race only showed up in the last few seconds of the last-minute of Dec 31st…. and the longest surviving human life is not even a millisecond on that scale… in the scale of time and space, our life time almost doesn’t exist it is so small. for some strange reason I find this fact comforting? I don’t know why it just seems today we all take ourselves so seriously but we are really small and insignificant as individual beings…

So where has your life force been before this?  You are not afraid of where you came from, why should you be any more afraid of where you are going after you die? You had no say in coming into this world, yet you did, you are here, conscious, thinking, powerful human being that has the incredible power to imagine, think and most exciting of all… choose. You call the shots. If you want to do something you have the ability through the left hand side of your brain to turn that thought or idea from your right brain into a reality… that is just fascinating.

We have crawled out of the sea, and climbed into spaceships and stood on the moon, in the shortest conceivable time we have begun looking back to where we came from, and started figuring out our place in this universe. but fear holds us back, fear of the unknown, fear of the black space we float in, fear of our temporary consciousness… we find ways to make ourselves feel safe, things to cling to, things to distract us…

My facination is as much about what we don’t know as what we do,  there is so much we have yet to understand about our potential. Much of these questions stem from the last few weeks of my late wife’s life, her brain tumour had taken ownership of the left-hand side of her brain, and left her unable to communicate with us. It was a very scary thing to watch the person I love go through, but that fearful experience left me with so many questions, I needed to know what she was going through… one afternoon we were sitting at the little table in her ward, I was helping her eat some lunch, and I asked her ( almost as a rhetorical question, because she very seldom spoke more than a yes or a no at this point)… “what is going on in that head of yours Jess?” I asked…she looked at me, peaceful as anything, and said…”I’m trying to get to you but im stuck up in the ceiling over there…” it was the strangest thing sitting there with her, knowing that she was experiencing a completely different reality to mine.

Then I came across this incredible story… a neuroscientist who had a stroke and lived to tell the tale, she describes in detail the experience of losing the left hand side of her brains functionality, her version of events is as specific as you could ever hope to hear. Then another video on a similar life changing near death experience, then I recalled the near death experience of a friend which I witnessed first hand, I helped him pulled from the ocean with no pulse, and watched as he was slowly brought back to life over 15 minutes of resuscitation. a few weeks later after he described to me a similar experience to this woman, all random, all very similar experiences and all have different beliefs. Now im not searching for answers to the afterlife, in my opinion that is a waste of precious time, we all get to find out one day, I am more interested in the seemingly common thread of clues that suggest a higher realm of consciousness, we can understand our place here, and how we all are connected. It’s pushed me to a place where I need to ask questions, I’m not satisfied with my contribution to the world so far, I think I’m better than this… I think we all are.

So I have become consumed by self discovery, by exploring myself and educating my kids in way that will help them understand themselves and the effect they have on others, I have promised myself I will not let life get in the way of this most important journey. I am aware that we have a fantastic amount of potential and live in a world with such incredible possibilities, but we allow ourselves to be ensnared in the belief that we need to go to wake up, work, make money, watch tv, go to bed and repeat, day after day. I’m not saying we should quit our jobs, there is virtue in an honest day of work, and our modern world is governed by the monetary system we have created, stepping away from that will make life very difficult, what I’m going after is how you balance that work, how do you spend your down time, what are we leaving behind for the next generation. That’s where I want to be different, that’s where I need to change.

So the December holidays are here, and its the best time of year to get a little personal with ourselves? But it’s so easy for that time to come and go in the blink of an eye, happens to me so often, I’ll get a break from the kids and ill have 5 things im so excited to do, by the time the kids come back I have only managed 1 or none! So I have become good at planning my time off, i try to understand what exactly it is that I want achieve and then structuring my precious time in a way that sees me get the job done. Here is such a good TED talk about such an experiment, if you are looking for a good idea on how to balance your inspiration time and work (okay, it’s an extreme example but very cool nonetheless) . The point is, there are some very clever people in this world and they are doing some amazing things if we just take the time to look up from our daily grind, we can participate.

I think that as a human race, we have the responsibility to figure out how to exist on this planet without killing it and each other, we are all connected and responsible for finding a way. I’m not sure the majority of us are doing our part at the moment.

This December, I’m going to start a new project. I’m going to plan my children’s education, I’m not talking about schooling, I’m talking about the lessons I want my kids to learn, the virtues and knowledge I want to expose them to by the time they walk out my door to a home of their own. I figure I have about 13 years until Joel is 18, and about 10 years until my Anna (who just turned 3) starts telling me how things happen around here, so I better get cracking while they still listen. I want to show them this planet, I want to take the time to explain the different races, religions,  cultures and let them make up their own minds what feels right and wrong, not because I say so, but because they have seen it with their own eyes. So I will start with a list of virtues, subjects, and break it down from there, into travel locations, books, movies and experiences that will help them attain the greatest objectivity I can give them. It will be a big list, but once I know what the lessons are, it will be that much easier to get there, because I will know where we are going.

I know this is all very idealistic, and I’m pretty sure I sound like I’m having a sort of mid-life crisis, but the thing is I feel more alive than ever, I feel like I have the clearest understanding of the value of time, and I want to use it in a way that makes my kids into the people who can change the world we live in.

Here are some links to that have been inspiring me lately:

A rad website  with all kinds of inspirational forward thinking stuff about the universe and reality as we know it:

http://www.lucidtree.com  (lots of conspiracy theory stuff in here too.. I stay clear cause all it really does is bring me down)

A movie on quantum physics ( done in a way that makes sense to dummies like me 😉 )

A collection of 20 min talks from the greatest minds our world has, an absolute favourite of mine.. TED Talks.


The neuro scientist woman who had a stroke and lived to tell the tale…

A great visual perspective of the observable universe:

My mate Craig shared this awesome site, where you can learn just about any new and creative skill you can think of, through video tutorial :


Since I’m fast approaching some very touchy subjects that throw humans into a complete frenzy at the best of times… i thought the following disclaimer would be a wise addition for any newcomers…

Disclaimer: This blog is therapy for me, and record of my thoughts for my kids. I don’t pretend to have all the answers and I sure as heck wont ever tell anybody that my way is the highway. I am always prepared to admit I might be wrong , so long as you are too:) If you disagree, please don’t hesitate to comment, but remember that I am merely sharing my personal journey, not asking you to alter yours.  Let’s keep it constructive!  Hambe Kahle (go well).


Truth, You Can’t Handle The Truth



FullSizeRenderOne thing that has changed since Jess passed away is that I became afraid of dying. I have never been scared of death, but in the past few months I find myself thinking on it often. It’s a pretty obvious side effect of watching someone you are close to die, it’s not so much fear of death itself, rather how it will happen. Losing control over myself the way she did in the last two months terrified me to my core, and even more so, leaving my kids before they are ready to let me go.

To add to that fear, I have been left with a need to add serious value to my life, make the most of every moment till then end. Understanding how to do that and leaving an official record of who I am for my kids is the very reason for this blog. One of the things I tried unsuccessfully to do in the last few months off Jess’s life was to get her to record video messages for the kids in-case the worst happened. As it turned out, long before we knew the fight was over, she had lost the ability to communicate.

So this is an effort to immortalize myself, leaving a clear picture of who I am, for my kids, in-case I don’t get a chance to show them myself. Morbid? Maybe, but I’ll risk sounding morbid if makes you think about what sort of legacy you are leaving behind. Nobody is promised any amount of time. The Internet has given us a platform to record our lives and our thoughts, for not just our kids, but our distant family generations from now, they will have the ability to search and know their lineage first hand. That has  never been possible before. Think about that… imagine being able to look back at video’s, imagery and philosophy of your great great greats…. pretty damn cool.

You have to understand my mind frame in these past months, all these thoughts, fears and emotions swirling about with this bizarre clarity of the temporary nature of life on earth, its like nothing I have ever experienced before. I’ve been donkey kicked out of my comfort zone and found myself in a place where I need to decide where my energy is going to best spent that helps me find this value I’m searching for.

When you lose somebody who has formed such a big part of your life, you lose a part of yourself and your personality. So first I need to understand who I am, really dig into what I believe and what makes me tick.  That is not an easy thing to do, but once you start looking, you will be amazed at what you find.

Well i have been looking, studying myself and my world post Jess, questioning everything…

You know how you have those moments … when things suddenly make sense. They don’t happen very often, and that’s why they are special. Well I stumbled across this blog a few times in a few weeks, like it was being shoved in my face until I decided to finally pay attention.

It’s called “Wait but Why”, the title of the site says it all…question everything! Most of the articles are brilliant but this particular one was one of those moments when somebody verbalizes they way you feel but have battled to express it. It was pure relief! It’s logical and sensible, and most importantly simple. You can read the article I’m talking about here

Then shortly after that I came across this new TV series on Netflix… called Cosmos, it goes hand in hand with all the stuff I’ve been reading but has the most incredible, simple, beautiful way of explaining the biggest questions in our world. These concepts go together hand in hand, they question everything and take nothing on face value alone.

Where am I going with this, i feel the majority of humans are stuck in a rut, we have the most incredible planet, and the most incredible ability to imagine, discover and conceptualize, yet we choose to spend the majority of our time here watching TV, getting drunk, working all day in jobs we don’t enjoy, buying stuff, and bickering with each other. Our schooling system, our governments, our parenting , all of these systems are broken, outdated for our new understanding of our potential, perpetuating a cycle that is wasting our most precious powers.

I don’t know how to change it, but you can be damn sure I’m going to start trying, at least with my own kids and myself. I have to try to lift them up high enough, to see the real world above their iPad, the incredible potential they have to leave a positive mark on this world.

I want to seek the truth, no matter how scary that truth is, I want to empower my kids to their full human potential, and as idealistic as that sounds, it should be a given, it should be the base where we start with every person. Not some unrealistic ideal that we scoff at and ridicule. We all want to live in better world, except we all go about doing things the same way every day because we don’t believe we can make a difference, or it’s just to difficult to try. Well I can’t go about things the same as i used to, my eyes have been opened through the reality of death and my value for time has been reset. The time is very much now, for anything you ever hoped to do.

This is going to be an incredible journey. It’s going to challenge everything i know, and I’ll be open to that. I’ll do my best to document it here, as honestly as possible.

P.S If you are looking for a little change in perspective, something visual to put some distance between you and your problems… watch this.

Something for Nothing


nnb Six months ago my wife died. Half a year has passed but it feels like two years since I last saw Jess.

I’m not sure yet why i’m building this blog, perhaps the therapy of reflection (and then posting to social media for the world to see?) is required at this moment in my journey. Perhaps it is to give thanks publicly to those who have been a part of the last 19 months journey, to express my gratitude for those random acts of kindness, meals, laughs etc.

I dream of Jess sometimes. Sometimes they feel like conversations, and I wake up feeling light, and peaceful. Sometimes they are straight up nightmares, stuff that happened in the last few months of her life that I don’t like to think about. I put that stuff in a box and try deal with in small bite size chunks… but every now and that stuff climbs out on its own and sneaks up on me in the night.

I have made a conscious decision every day to move forward, much of my ability and strength to do this is thanks to the conversations I had with Jess about moving on before she died. But it is a decision I make every morning. I strongly believe that in this day in age people don’t take full responsibility for the power they have in life, the power of choice and the ability to make your life a life worth living regardless of your past. I’m not saying it’s easy, but everyone is capable of moving forward, if they choose not to live in the past. I truly believe it is a choice. I arrive at that fork in the road every morning.

I am moving on with the unique and somewhat terrifyingly clear perspective of quickly life comes and goes.  You have heard it all before, and the words don’t mean much until they coming from an experience that makes them real. The temporary nature of our existence on the planet is not something we like to think about, and from what I have seen, we largely live our daily lives in denial that it will end. But it does end, and you are gone. and the world moves on. So as an obvious knee-jerk to this new found perspective, I cannot sit still for very long. Every second has a new share price, and they are expensive! I’m doing my absolute best to build some life long memories for my kids, with our new little threesome family. Despite their loss, I want them to understand the gift that they have and that it will not last forever.

We are living well. We are choosing to have fun, and that’s all there is to it really? There is so much out there to experience, to enjoy. So many good people to make you laugh. I think friendships are at the core of our happiness. I treasure the times I get with my friends and the genuine smiles they put on my face.  I also found someone who is brave enough to hold my hand, and makes me laugh.  I’m so thankful for her. Then there is surfing, and the ocean, and the incredible force that is in my life.  Floating around in the sea helps me reflect, it helps me be grateful and present in the moment.

So that’s my first official blog post, and it largely sums up what this outlet will be for me… a place to reflect, document my search for new perspective. Perspective, i think, is the solution to much of life’s curve balls, its not making the problem go away, it having the ability to see it from multiple angles, and find away through it. I’m fascinated by it, and how it literally shapes our reality. So this is a place to record my findings!

So here’s the first absolute truth i have learnt as a single parent…

No matter how much peace there is in your house, or how nicely kids are playing, the minute you sit down on the toilet, or climb into the shower, all hell WILL break loose. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.